Amanda Hocking

Hi guys! I’m here to take part in Amanda’s adventure filled blog tour, and give you all a little break from the excitement with a post from me, Eric Goldman, Amanda’s personal assistant/creative adviser/life coach/viceroy/roommate/friend/punishment in life.

One of my favorite things are villains. Not real-life villains like Hitler or the writer(s) of “Call me Maybe,” but villains in films and literature, particularly villainesses, or as I like to call them “Lady Villains.”

One time Amanda and I were talking, as we tend to do, and we were trying to figure out why I like lady villains so much. I obviously knew part of the reason was because they tend to be much more over the top and campy than boy villains, and I’m sure that’s the biggest reason…I love me some campyness. But, we also decided that lady villains usually have a more emotional reason for doing the things that they do. Rarely do you find a lady villain pointlessly murdering people, or plotting against them for no reason. More often than not, they’re doing things out of insecurity, or revenge, and I know all about being insecure and seeking revenge on enemies from my past…I’m still coming for you, guy who stole my donut at work last year.

Anyway, I thought it would be fun (for me at least) to create a Top Ten List of my favorite lady villains from films, so let’s get to that, because pictures are enjoyable.

But first, a WARNING-
If you hate spoilers, and a lady villain’s photo looks unfamiliar to you, I recommend not reading the accompanying description. I have incredible taste, and I would hate for such an amazing film to be ruined for you…Especially if Amanda’s Mom reads this, because she still has to watch something I lent her. Otherwise…

Here we go:

Carrie’s mom (from “Carrie”) is definitely over the top, but not so much in a good way. Margaret White is starting off this list, because while she does portray the qualities I seek in an enjoyable female villain, she is also batshit crazy, and scares me quite a bit.

For #9, we have another insane woman. (I’m guessing insanity is going to play a role in this list.) Debbie Salt, the mother seeking revenge for her son’s murder in “Scream 2.” Debbie’s intentions are admirable, but…maybe she should have looked at things from other people’s point of view, and tried to understand why her son might have been killed. Just throwing that out there, Deb. (I still like you though.)

I’m sure you already guessed that she would make the cut. She is amazing, and the lengths she goes to for a pair of shoes are remarkable. My favorite things: She’s green, she’s a witch, and this line: “Who would have thought a good little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness? Oooooh, look out! I’m going! Oooooh! Ooooooh!” Someone should make a remix of that. Dubstep.

Annie Wilkes is pissed off that her favorite author isn’t doing things the way she would have liked. Watch out, Amanda…if I’m not pleased with the ending of “Elegy” I might have to try a few of Annie’s tricks, until I get the ending I want. (I know where you keep the sledgehammer.)

Stuck in the past, and jealous of her sister’s more recent brush with fame, “Baby Jane” Hudson spends her free time getting drunk, hanging out with a hired friend, and feeding Joan Crawford dead pets that make her spin around in her wheelchair 8 times. That’s my idea of a fun retirement.

*Sigh* Anjelica Huston is so great at playing a bitch. I really enjoy her. I was torn between Rodmilla, and whats-her-face from “The Witches,” but this character in “Ever After” has to be my favorite. Her jealousy of Cinderella’s neatness makes for some enjoyable viewing. If/When the Trylle Trilogy films are made, she has my vote to play Elora…but, unfortunately, I don’t have any power over anything in this world.

“Batman & Robin” is a really horrible film, and that’s why I like it so much. Unfortunately, most of the people in the movie don’t seem to realize that it’s awful, except for Uma Thurman, and that makes me love her. She saunters from soundstage to soundstage delivering over the top soliloquies like it’s nothing. She’s a pro. (2nd place vote for this film goes to the reporter, who thinks she’s best friends with Bruce Wayne. If she were a villain, she would probably be #1 on this list…maybe she’ll make the Batman reboot. But, she at least deserves a picture…so, here you go, Gotham City Gossip Columnist:

This lady decides that spots are going to be the next big thing in fashion, and decides the only way she can get that look is by killing “101 Dalmatians.” I’m no fan of puppy murder, but the lengths Cruella is willing to go for a coat are astounding. Also, she has a cigarette stick that I’m jealous of. Also, she’s played by Glenn Close. All neat things.

Everyone knows that I love Bette Midler. Or, at least they do now. Anyway, seeing Bette Midler playing a witch that hates her sisters and pretty much everything around her is a very enjoyable time. The ending always makes me sad, because the three witches are so much more enjoyable than anyone else…even the cat, voiced by James Marsden’s brother.

And finally…..

1. Ursula (Duh.)

I love Disney movies, I love Disney villains, Ursula is my favorite Disney villain, so here she sits. My number one choice. I love her voice, I love her song, and I love that while she’s singing, she just shouts her entire plan loud enough for Ariel to hear, but Ariel doesn’t care…she just wants legs. She kinda had it coming, don’t you think?

There you go…those are my Top 10 Villainesses. Agree? Disagree? Did I forget anyone? Oh, by the way, if you like lady villains as much as I do, (or if you hate them, and like everything else that’s good) you should totally pick up “Wake” by my friend Amanda. If I had included books, they would have definitely made it on this list, because they’re pretty creepy, and pretty neat, and pretty pretty. Oh! And I’ll give you things too. Enter the giveaway below, and you might win a relationship with me, Eric Goldman! Or, you can win your choice of 3 of the films mentioned above…your pick. Good luck!

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