Amanda HockingHello World
So I haven’t updated the blog in a long while, and I haven’t been very active on social media in general. Not since Crystal Kingdom came out, and that was almost three months ago. (Which, by the way, thanks for being so supportive about Crystal Kingdom. It’s ended up being one of the best reviewed books I’ve ever written, and the Kanin Chronicles made the New York Times Bestseller List, so THANK YOU guys so much!)
The reason I haven’t been very active is because I’ve been really depressed lately. And you may be saying, “You just published your 17th book, made the NY Times Bestseller List, moved to a new house, got married, and got a wonderful new dog. What do you have to be depressed about?”
Well, for me, that’s how depression works. I get overwhelmed and stressed out really easily, and a lot of changes – even positive ones – leads to a total shut down. And that gets all wrapped up with guilt and shame and this weird determination I have to just will the depression away, even though that’s never ever worked, and I end up as a non-functioning blob who finds anything beyond taking care of my pets unbearable.
On a good day, human interaction is difficult for me – whether it be in real life or online. Because every word I say is a chance for me to annoy, alienate, or offend the person I’m interacting, and I’m certain that everything I say or do is offensive and awful. On a bad day, the anxiety makes it almost impossible for to communicate with anyone outside of my closest circle, and even that can be difficult. (You can ask my husband.)
So anyway, I’m on a new medication now, because just “powering through it” hasn’t really been working. It’s actually really weird, because if another person has mental health issues, I’m like, “You should totally go see a doctor and get medicine. It’s not your fault, but finding the best way to manage your condition can help you lead a happier and fuller life.” But when it comes to myself, I’m like, “No. I won’t see anyone or take anything. I will fix this myself, even though I’m 31-years-old and I’ve never been able to fix this myself and things spiral up and down all the time, making my life very difficult and unpleasant most of the time.”
The moral of the story – I’m working to be in a better place. I’ll still have lapses from posts from time to time, because I need to take a break from online to keep myself reasonably sane. But this is just a little post checking back in, while I try to get back into the habit of posting on occasion.
I just finished up the first draft of a new book (it’ll be my 18th published, and something like my 23rd written, I think??). It’ll be out sometime next year, but I’ll tell you more about as things get closer.
And I think that’s all I have to say for today.
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regina says: Hey sis…I know Im being presumptuous calling you sis, but I feel your sentiments…YOU ARE A GREAT AUTHOR! do not let yourself think otherwise..through your writing u have touch the lives of other people..when u go depress about life( we all go through it at some point!) I want u to remember that your writings touch the lives of other people in the world….for some, it is a route to escape everday’s mundane existence, for others just for enjoyment, and for some others your writings are an inspiration..!I CANT SAY FOR OTHERS, but I think that to be able to touch another persons life is a great thing indeed and something to be proud of…so do not be depressed! just continue to live LIFE to the fullest , that’s all we can do to get through life existence……CHEERS!
Manju Navani says: A thank you note.
*Spoiler alert – Kanin Chronicles*
Dear Amanda
I can’t thank you enough for giving us such beautiful escapes. Yes that’s what your books have been for me… specially the Kanin Chronicles. It is as though you give us the opportunity to live an alternate life and as the book ends it almost takes me 30 mins to actually come back to reality and make sense of my surroundings. We have found our escape in your books hope you find escape from all that is keeping you down. My best wishes. Stay blessed.
P.S. I sooo wish Konstantin Black did not had to die.
Dear Amanda,
Your not alone.I too, have difficulty interacting with the world. I just want to say, you’re very brave for writing the truth on here for all to see. You’re beyond the characters you write about. That in itself takes lots of time and work,most of all effort. Thank you, Amanda. Thanks for sharing the deepest part of yourself to your readers.
Pilamayah -Thank you in my Lakota Language
Sincerely
Raven Wolf
Jessica says: I truly love everything you write. you are a true inspiration to me. I write poetry and the sad part is my good writing comes out the more Depressed I am. Thank you for all your wonderful story’s.
Dude. Dude. I feel like I’m reading me.
Someone on a writing guild I joined linked me to your blog. He said that my issues sound a lot like yours, and you’re an actual author. Dude, he couldn’t have been more right.
I have depression. I’ve been off an antidepressant for a while because of household issues, and I’ve been feeling it. My motivation for writing is dwindling. I’ve been through so much drama and wasted life preparations that I’m losing all hope.
My main blog is http://www.brokencrayoncoloring.wordpress.com. I throw all my rantings on there about my slightly-destructive home life and depression and asperger’s and ADD and my traumas. I do try to throw in some good things here and there, but no one reads my blog anyway. So it doesn’t really matter.
Please let me know if you read this. It would mean a lot.
-
Hi Laitie – Well, I read it. It’s hard. I’m bipolar myself, and that has involved long spells of major depression. Sometimes I’ve blogged about depression on The Dalai Grandma. Every day’s a new day.
Uga Dano says: Your Grandmother in Tx is so sad to hear that you have been depressed, and she is praying for you. She’s so proud of you and your books, and wishes you could get in touch. Email me if you like, for her address. I work with her. Her eyesight doesn’t allow her to get on computer, so I read this to her. I wish you could know how much she loves you and how well she speaks of you and how proud she is of your success. Hope you are feeling better by now.
Marwa says: I honestly hope you feel better, you deserve to be the happiest you can. You bring so much joy and happiness and hope to everyone that reads your books, and you deserve that to.
I want you to know that you had the biggest impact on my life, without your books I don’t think I’d be here because they brought me this sence of hope and happiness. You have such an impact on lives all around the world and I don’t think you get as appresicated as you should be for all the work you’ve done.
Fell better xx
I have the same problem. I may not be very depressed but I do shut down like you and try to fix stuff myself. It’s not easy and it is okay to ask for help.
I’m working on being a better person myself and I’m here for you no matter what you decide. I will support your decision. Take care of yourself first, we will be here when you are ready.
Good luck with your meds. I hope they work for you and that your condition becomes manageable. I’ve been known to hibernate when I’m not well or life feels rough, or just because I just need to focus on healing and basic things like work and family. Don’t feel guilty about that. We all do what we have to do. And for the record, I just came out of that hibernation phase. Best thing I did for myself in years!
Sarah says: Im so sorry. It sounds miserable and to say that I get depressed too doesn’t make you feel any better, but just know that I sympathize with you. Recently, I got my hands on Switched, Torn and Ascend. During this winter break (I’m a teacher and have had extra time to read), I’ve read Switched and currently reading Torn. As I have found these gems of books- I wanted to find if you were on Facebook and learn more about your work. I think you are terrific at what you do and can’t wait to read more of your books. Keep being awesome and I hope you are doing well.