Amanda Hocking

One of my very favorite movies as a small child was the hit film Willow.

(Other favorites include Labyrinth, The Dark Crystal, Legend, Ewoks: Caravan of Courage, and Ewoks: The Battle for Endor. And in my defense of the Ewok movies – it’s not my fault my grandma showed me Ewoks before she showed me Star Wars. I didn’t see Star Wars until I was seven. And Ewoks are awesome.) (Okay, yes I get that Ewoks sorta ruin Return of the Jedi by basically saying that cannibalistic teddy bears are more powerful than the Force. But they’re also really cute.) (And again, let me remind you, that I was a three-year-old girl when I first got into Ewoks). (And I love Warwick Davis).

Parenthetical asides aside, this is a blog about Val Kilmer and my mild obsession with him. It all began when I was a small child and saw Madmartigan, and I was like, “Hey, that dude is pretty.”

So, I put a lot of thought into it, and I figured out why Val Kilmer got fat. And I’m not saying less hot, although I would classify him as “differently hot” now, but he’s still got that Iceman oddly toothy smile that I feel like could totally bite of Tom Cruise’s nose.

Okay, first of all, Val Kilmer plays by his own rules. And I don’t mean in a “he’s a rebel without a cause” kinda way. I mean in an An Artist Formerly Known as Prince kinda why, where when he says stuff like “I want to live in a house made of bubbles,” he doesn’t understand why that’s not possible when you try to explain it to him.

Val Kilmer is clearly more in touch with reality than Prince (but hey, most people are). But still, he’s a little bit of that, “Oh, what?” at times. But what makes Val Kilmer super awesome is that has that “I’m only kinda here” quality mixed with a wicked fast wit and he’s crazy smart. So he can only be half there, and still be really condescending and put you down. It’s the most awesome thing ever.

Anyway, Val Kilmer does not care what you think. Any of you. He really doesn’t. So all these years when he’s been working out and had washboard, rock hard abs, that was not for you. He did that because he loves acting and wanted good roles. But he did not give one smelly poop about being a sex symbol.

Then, in the early 90s, Val Kilmer worked on a film called The Doors with Oliver Stone. I’m only piecing this information together from interviews of Val Kilmer, so I don’t have the exact details, but from what I understand is that Val Kilmer really, really dug the story of Alexander the Great.

So he says to Oliver Stone, “You need to make a movie about Alexander the Great. I could be Alexander. It would be awesome.” And Oliver’s like, “Nah.” So for years and years, Val Kilmer keeps coming back to him and saying, “You should do this movie.”

So finally, after like 15 years of nagging, Oliver Stone finally says, “Alright, I’ll do it.” And Val’s like, “Yay!” And then Oliver says, “But you’re too old. The studio wants some younger with a bigger name.”

In steps Colin Farrell to play the role that Val Kilmer has been lobbying fifteen years for. (Colin Farrell is 17 years younger than Val Kilmer, so if Oliver Stone had made the movie way back when Val Kilmer would’ve been the right age).

But on the plus side, Val Kilmer gets to play Alexander’s lame father, Philip. And Alexander goes on to be a box office failure.

The very next movie that Val Kilmer is in (Kiss Kiss Bang Bang – one of my favorite movies ever), he’s put on a good … amount of weight. I don’t know how much. I don’t care. But he’s clearly heftier.

So that’s pretty much my theory. He’d basically been staying in shape to land roles, and when he realized that it didn’t matter if he was in shape because he was now too old to land the roles he’d been fighting his whole career for, he was like, “Meh. I’m gonna eat some tacos.”

And now, I see him in things, like Macgruber, and I’m like, “I have never loved you more. I know you don’t care about anything except what you think. And that is so awesome.”

Yep. I put too much thought into everything and everyone. And now I want to go watch something with Val Kilmer. If you wanted a selected filmography of my favorite things he’s done, here it is:

• Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
• Willow
• Real Genius
• Top Gun
• Wonderland
• MacGruber
• The Doors (which gets bonus points for starring Michael Wincott!)
• Salton Sea
• True Romance
• Tombstone 
• Heat
• The Real McCoy
• Red Planet

 I do also feel compelled to recommend The Island of Dr. Moraeu but go into it knowing you might really hate it. I also cannot recommend Batman Forever. As much as I love Val Kilmer, he’s like cardboard. You could literally put a cardboard cutout of Batman in every scene, and it would be better than him. Since he’s given solid performances elsewhere, I tend to blame the script, the director, and the over the top performances of Jim Carrey and Tommy Lee Jones.

And seriously, if you don’t watch Willow, and go, “Oh, my. That is a pretty man,” then there’s something wrong with you. I don’t care if you’re a man or woman, gay or straight. If you have eyes and you can see him, you know. He’s a pretty man. And he probably hates you.