So I haven’t updated the blog in a long while, and I haven’t been very active on social media in general. Not since Crystal Kingdom came out, and that was almost three months ago. (Which, by the way, thanks for being so supportive about Crystal Kingdom. It’s ended up being one of the best reviewed books I’ve ever written, and the Kanin Chronicles made the New York Times Bestseller List, so THANK YOU guys so much!)
The reason I haven’t been very active is because I’ve been really depressed lately. And you may be saying, “You just published your 17th book, made the NY Times Bestseller List, moved to a new house, got married, and got a wonderful new dog. What do you have to be depressed about?”
Well, for me, that’s how depression works. I get overwhelmed and stressed out really easily, and a lot of changes – even positive ones – leads to a total shut down. And that gets all wrapped up with guilt and shame and this weird determination I have to just will the depression away, even though that’s never ever worked, and I end up as a non-functioning blob who finds anything beyond taking care of my pets unbearable.
On a good day, human interaction is difficult for me – whether it be in real life or online. Because every word I say is a chance for me to annoy, alienate, or offend the person I’m interacting, and I’m certain that everything I say or do is offensive and awful. On a bad day, the anxiety makes it almost impossible for to communicate with anyone outside of my closest circle, and even that can be difficult. (You can ask my husband.)
So anyway, I’m on a new medication now, because just “powering through it” hasn’t really been working. It’s actually really weird, because if another person has mental health issues, I’m like, “You should totally go see a doctor and get medicine. It’s not your fault, but finding the best way to manage your condition can help you lead a happier and fuller life.” But when it comes to myself, I’m like, “No. I won’t see anyone or take anything. I will fix this myself, even though I’m 31-years-old and I’ve never been able to fix this myself and things spiral up and down all the time, making my life very difficult and unpleasant most of the time.”
The moral of the story – I’m working to be in a better place. I’ll still have lapses from posts from time to time, because I need to take a break from online to keep myself reasonably sane. But this is just a little post checking back in, while I try to get back into the habit of posting on occasion.
I just finished up the first draft of a new book (it’ll be my 18th published, and something like my 23rd written, I think??). It’ll be out sometime next year, but I’ll tell you more about as things get closer.
And I think that’s all I have to say for today.